Jism 2 Telegraph Movie Review by Pratim D. Gupta

Jism 2 is a wonder. That vishesh piece of motion picture which can turn you into a freeze frame. That day is not far when the world will be divided into two kinds of people — the ones who saw Jism 2 and the ones who didn’t. The people from the first category would not dare tocome out in the open but they would all remember the horrors of the night.

Nothing that you have ever seen or you would ever see can prepare you for this. If you have spent many a Sunny moment on your lappie, chances are that you won’t miss her bloom on the big screen. For those used to more routine home entertainment, you may go in thinking it to be a sequel of the John-Bipasha-generated Body Heat. But Jism 2 is much, much more… pure Wood, Ed Wood… so bad it’s stuff of legends.

Here’s an eyewitness account; an attempt to narrate the unnarratable. There she lay on the ground, a gun near her head. And a hard drive. Stop chewing on the pun. She calls herself Isna the pornstar and she will tell you her story. IsshhNaa! Splash, she comes out of the bath tub and starts lingering in her lingerie. The first of many, many times. Clearly she’s not used to lingering that long.

The self-proclaimed custodians of mainstream erotica, the Bhatts, have no clue that pornstars don’t go out at night to hunt down clients.Their leading lady could have helped… if she was in on the script.

Anyway, it’s Arun–day! And the fair knight rises. Whatever she does to him at night, next morning he claims to be from the

Intelligence Bureau! No kidding.

Mr IBu has an offer for her. She has to fly with him to some foreign country in the next couple of days and save her country by taking off her clothes. That’s it. Not a word more, not a word less. IsshhNaa

gets autobiographical and says: “Mulk ki madad toh main pehle se kar rahi hoon… kapde utaad ke.” Badi Sunny Sunny hai!

But our jughead has the line that Pooja Bhatt must have used on Madame Leone to lure her into a Bollywood career. “Har jism ki ek expiry date hoti hai!” She instantly asks for Rs 10 crore and happily flies away with IBu to Sri Lanka on her strip-to-save mission. Her off-screen fees, though, must have hurt Poppa Bhatt because they could only afford what must be the worst dubbing artiste in the history of histrionics.

Why shukno Lanka? Kyunki Galle Galle mein phirta hai Kabir (Randeep Hooda). “Yeh koi maamooli aadmi nahin hai, yeh hai assassin,” says local IB Guru (Arif Zakaria, with extra ham and cheese).

And there starts her panting. The celebrity import uses her vast on-camera experience in deep breathing and continuous huffing-and-puffing in each one of her scenes. So whether IsshhNaa is sad or happy, serious or chirpy, she is always pant-pant-pant. Pant or no pant!

Now mellow with the cello, Kabir used to be her lover and she has to seduce him afresh to extract guro moshla. Data! Data! Data! Everyone keeps shouting in the film. Soon the playmates reunite and Sunny goes Hooda Hooda The Bang The Bang The Bang! Sometimes then, sometimes now. No, no don’t get excited, it’s just the location hotel’s spa advertisement as they go rub-a-dub-dub.

Tel maalish is fine but how long can you emote in front of a wall? A wall with curves. So Mr Bang starts going barmy. He listens to Mukesh,reads Che Guevera, quotes the Bible and comes up with gems like: “Joaadmi sochta hai ki woh kal khush hoga, woh kabhi khush nahin hota”.

Cue for another romp. “Iss pal ko amar kar dete hain.” Our lady eveready.Meanwhile, IBu Hatela has become Devdas. He drinks little, cries a lot and then pans pencil torches across IsshhNaa’s body as she sleeps. God knows what he finds, he cries even more.

“You f***ed him? You f***ed him?” he asks.

She: “Nahin… yes!”

He brings out one of those tiny homoeopathic bottles and asks her to poison Mr Bang’s coffee.

The caffeine kick means the climax changes from ghastly to ghostly, till you start seeing your own remains on the screen.

Jeeeeez… ummmm… thooo.


1 Comment
  1. Serenzy 12 years ago

    Hahaha…this Pratim Gupta guy is turning out to be Fab!

    Jism2 shud be a Fun Ride..Will surely dwnlod a Good Print next month.

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